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Blog Contest Winner: How The FEEL Model Can Get You Closer to Your Goals

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A Guest Post By Keke Ellis, American University Grad Student, FEEL Blog Post Winner

Back in 2014, I made a comment on Facebook about the movie Dear White People. I don’t remember the exact comment, but within days an acquaintance made a big fuss over what I had said. If I remember correctly, I mentioned something to the effect of how the male protagonist (who happened to be white) was not the ‘savior’ of the film. It did not go over well, and it led to a back and forth. Honestly, I don’t even remember the virtual argument, only how it made me feel. I hated it. It was exhausting and it felt pointless (not to hurt someone, but to engage on the platform in such a negative way). I’ve never been one to fight online (or in person for that matter) and I’m proud to say that that incident was the first and last time. I graduated with my BA not too long afterwards and in lieu of me wanting and subsequently joining AmeriCorps, I spent less and less time on social media and I rarely posted in those years leading up to me deleting the apps. And as I mentioned, deleting my social media accounts was one of the best decisions I could do for my mental health, and on a smaller scale, my personal life.

Do I think I will get back on social media? No, not in any major way. But I do believe LinkedIn is important, and it may be beneficial for me to have at least one of the big accounts (Twitter, Facebook) for professional use. Never again though for personal use. There’s no FOMO here! I’ll confess my phone health did not get better. Sadly, I still spend way too much time on Google, playing computer games, checking for texts. We’re all working on it, right?

If I’m honest, I don’t think my FEEL test results surprised me. I scored lowest (love of mission) in the area that I expected and higher (or highest) in those areas that I expected (empathy and ethics), as well. If anything, it showed me where I could ‘go’ from here. There wasn’t a revelation of me being a big softie, any more than I knew I wasn’t going to score well on telling my Instagram followers about my passions. Not only because of my lack of social media, but also because I am a private person in general. It’s something that I am working on. Not that being a private person is a ‘bad’ thing, it’s just that I tend to use that privacy as a way to shut people out (i.e., a security blanket of sorts). It’s okay to be open. Isn’t that the point of the FEEL First model? To connect in a more genuine manner? To actually open up with one another without and despite any fear we may be feeling in the moment?

I would like for my love of mission score to increase and will try to implement ways to do that. If I may divulge a personal matter – my boyfriend and I and going through growing pains; you know, the ones you have as you try to plan out how to intertwine your lives. He’s a big-time extravert. There is no friend he cannot make, no person he cannot go up to and start a conversation with. An hour can go by and for him it will feel like only a few minutes. I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite. I’m awkward with small talk and get exhausted by interacting with others. His ideal Friday night is out, among the people, maybe dancing. Mine, is at home, on the couch, watching football or hockey or basketball. We could not be more different in our personalities. However, I envy his ability to open himself up so quickly; to see anyone as a potential friend. I think of him as my barometer to stretching myself beyond my comfort zone.

I can volunteer more. I can look a homeless person in the eye and have a real conversation with them instead of just ignoring them or dropping a few cents without looking their way. I can be more present in my interactions – putting my phone away, engaging and listening in a sincere manner. I can show up for myself in new ways as well, because how can I share my ‘love’ if I don’t first believe that I can accomplish the mission to begin with? I can and will be kinder to myself; easier on myself when I fail and become a better champion of who I am and where I would like to go in my life. There is so much division and hurtful language both in-person and online. I can and will counter this by trying to practice kindness no matter where I am. I know, I know, it sounds pretty hokey. This also, I believe, helps me face fears as well. It takes courage to love yourself out-loud, we can see this through the numerous bills going throughout state, local, and federal legislatures – whether they be about race, gender, sexual orientation, or reproductive rights. I think it’s easy to tear someone down. Our last President made daily entertainment out of it. It’s much harder to support and stand up. You can lose friends, family, your job, and possibly even your life for doing so. Being kind in the face of fear and hatred is radical (just ask those who fought in the Civil Rights era).

In the wake of the death of Mike Brown – which also happened in 2014 – a teenager from Missouri who was shot and killed by a police officer, I, and a group of about 30 others, peacefully marched in downtown Shreveport, Louisiana where I’m from. We were protesting police brutality, many, many months before the tragic events of the summer of 2020, and unfortunately, many, many decades after the death of MLK. I am angry, and frustrated, and saddened. How can we still be dealing with racial injustice? Suni Lee, an American gold medalist, and member of the Hmong community, was allegedly harassed recently while out with friends. Again, I ask, how can we still be dealing with racial injustices?

I understand that as one person I should not think I can make a difference, but look at the way the FEEL First Model is shaking up how communication practitioners are working in the field? Isn’t Deirdre Breakenridge just one person? That inspires me. In the ‘roadmap’ I created (see figure 1 below), in blue are the scores from the FEEL First test I took back in September. In orange are the scores I hope to achieve. Of course, I would like to continue to engage with empathy and use ethics and good judgment at high levels; at the best I possibly can. What has worked for me in the past is to try and be fair and impartial in decision making, whether that be giving both my niece and nephew the same amount of attention or listening to a coworker when they are having a bad day. These are simple things, I think.

At the end of the day, I just want to be a good person. When I’m old and gray, looking back over my life, I just want to think I was a good person. And the FEEL First model gets me closer to that goal.

Keke Ellis is a writer, researcher, and entrepreneur originally from Louisiana, who enjoys hiking, spending time with family, and a good crawfish boil. They can be reached at ellis_keke963@yahoo.com. 

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“Grandpa Don’t Worry” Children’s Book Furthers the Mission to Explore Feelings & Values

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“Why did you pivot to add children’s books to your list of published works? It seems as if they’re on opposite ends of the spectrum,” asked a new acquaintance on LinkedIn.

“Yes, I can see why it appears as if business books and children’s books are on ‘opposite ends’. However, whether it’s the business books I write and the consulting and training I’m doing, or it’s the children’s books and the interviews I’m giving on parents and bonding with children, they all stem from a place of FEEL. Looking inward and managing your own feelings, helps you to connect, better understand and be receptive to the feelings of the people around you. Feelings and how you communicate them are at the core of every relationship.

We ended the conversation with my new friend and colleague wanting to check out all my books. I was happy to tell her that we’ve added a new one to the growing list!

So here it is …

 ‘Grandpa Don’t Worry: Another Whisper from Noelle’ was released by Outskirts Press on June 6, 2021.

The book, Grandpa Don’t Worry, takes Noelle’s whispers even further than before. If you’ve read our first book in the series, “A Whisper from Noelle,” you would know that an Angel, named Noelle, is whispering to the main character, Ashley-Ann. These messages help Ashley-Ann to learn what it means to feel and to discover important values that will shape her life. Ashley-Ann shares these messages with her mommy.

Tuning into to the whispers and exploring what it means to feel, including what to do when you’re afraid, what it means to be kind and caring and to trust others, and to be true to yourself, are all cornerstones of our 1st book.

Grandpa Don’t Worry exemplifies what it means to be empathetic. Through Noelle, Ashley-Ann learns what her grandpa feels and why he feels strongly about certain values or Loving Lessons. In the book, Ashley-Anne moves beyond listening and hearing to feeling deeply. She also expresses her care and love for her grandpa through important actions.

The Two Reasons We Wrote Grandpa Don’t Worry

First, in our books, we wanted to focus on trusted relationships, starting with Ashley-Ann and her mommy and now her grandpa. Eventually, Ashley-Ann will also receive messages about additional family members to strengthen values and increase their family bond. Ashley-Ann learns her grandpa worries and what this means to him and to her as well.

Listening carefully, placing yourself in someone else’s shoes (as close to their experience as you can get) and having a deeper understanding is the road to empathy. Empathy practiced in the home may lead to more empathy practiced in other important areas a child’s life: School, relationships, community, etc.

The 2nd reason we wrote Grandpa Don’t Worry was to pay tribute to both of our dads, Michael G. Skrobola and Irving S. Ziegler, who were the best grandpas to our children. They read, played, and spent time with our kids, and, yes, they would bring up subjects that had them worried.

In Grandpa Don’t Worry, we wanted our dads / the two grandpas to know that no matter the age of their grandchildren and great grandchildren, they were a large part in the shaping of feelings and family values. In fact, it was their Loving Lessons, mentioned in our book, which will continue to inspire our families in generations to come. 

Worry is a Part of Human Nature

Is there a bittersweet lesson here? Well, yes, there is. it’s often wishing that Grandparents and parents didn’t have to worry. However, worry is a part of human nature. After all the definition of worry is to give attention to issues whether they or actual or a potential unknown. We live in a world where news, social media, technology, and disruption may increase the feelings of the unknown. Our advice is to tune out those distractions and be more present in the moment and aware, especially when you’re spending time (those precious moments) with your children.

So rather than silent thought and stressful worry, why not get present and bring it out in the open, in loving and kind ways. Start a practice to uncover thoughts, feelings, and values early. Explore how different feelings will continue to shape your child’s growth and development, even when they are grown and on their own.

Whether it’s an angel, like Noelle, or it’s your inner guidance system that brings up these feelings and values, it’s important to explore them early. Is there an angel who whispers in your ear? These whispers may call attention to feelings and values you have as an adult and a professional, or as a parent tuning into your children. The best words we can offer are to explore feeling together and often.

If you want to learn more about Grandpa Don’t Worry, you can check out the book on our website. You can also purchase our book on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. All proceeds from A Whisper From Noelle and Grandpa Don’t Worry got to The Noelle Skrobola Outstanding Research Scholar Award at the College of New Jersey (TCNJ) where Noelle received her undergraduate degree in Psychology.

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The FEEL First Pledge: A Commitment to Communication & Relationship Building

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How you FEEL determines how you communicate. It doesn’t take a scientific study to know this or to watch your emotions play out on social media. Think about how your feelings translate into actions, reactions and the words that come out of your mouth (or the words in your tweets and/or your Facebook posts). If you’re an optimist, then you will communicate as such. The same goes if you’re the opposite. As a pessimist, your communication would reflect this too. Take on any mood and it is likely your communication relates to how you feel. Now, think about this statement: Why wouldn’t you want to study, understand and improve your feelings, so that they play out positively in your communications and the relationships that result.
 
Optimism Helps Your Communication
 
As I sit here with the book, The Optimist Creed and other Inspirational Classics by Christian Larsen, both his book and his Optimist Creed (which is pinned to my wall) remind me of all that’s positive in my daily thought process and interactions. Being positive about others, having peace of mind, finding health and happiness, letting go of mistakes and moving forward toward future achievements are just a few of the elements of the Optimist Creed. Many of these ideals are learned early on in childhood and through years of life experience, family guidance, an educational system, and societal norms, they are adhered to or not. Hopefully, the former is true and you are a living testament to the Optimist Creed.
 
For Your Relationships: A Pledge for Better Communication 
 
However, what about your communication? Do you pay close attention to what you communicate daily, from the time you wake up in the morning until you lay down at night? Do you have a responsibility to yourself and to the people around you to care about the consequences of your words as they travel through your favorite channels, in any given moment? To my knowledge there is no Communication Checklist or Communications Pledge that you can print out and hang on your wall or post on your refrigerator. If there is, I haven’t seen it yet. Having the Optimist Creed on my wall is a reminder to me every day to strive for better and to keep a healthy and positive attitude. Having a Communications Pledge on my wall would be just as helpful.
 
I’ve been working on the FEEL First model for well over a year. My team has been diligently gathering data from a FEEL First test online that is scoring how much or how little professionals Face Fears, Engage with Empathy, Live with Ethics and Unleash Love. There are well over 6,000 answers in our database. From everything I’ve learned from my research journey, when you FEEL First you have a better opportunity to understand and manage someone else’s emotions too.

 

FEEL First Model
 
Of course, your ability to FEEL takes constant work … it’s a journey to be more open and to face what makes you uncomfortable. It takes a clear and present mind and heart to be more inclusive of others. It’s harder than you may think to be empathetic when sometimes you may only be touching the surface and you don’t even t know it. It’s not as obvious as you think to live with ethics and good judgment, when little white lies are a way of fooling your brain into larger transgressions. Lastly, if you’re not a demonstrative communicator it may be difficult to let the passion lord or the love flow.
 
However, the more you practice and also make a commitment to yourself that you can and will FEEL First in your communications, you will slowly move closer to this approach through all of your channels as you deepen your relationships.
 
The FEEL First Pledge
 
I mentioned earlier not having a Pledge or a Creed in communications until now … I’ve created a FEEL First Pledge as a reminder that collectively we need better communication. Practicing or saying a pledge daily will help you to move toward greater purpose through your thoughts, words, and actions to create positive impact. Having a Pledge, during an election year, the Coronavirus pandemic, and racial injustice that’s playing out across our county is necessary and needed now. If relationships are based on trust, then your communication is either the bridge that can help others or hurt them. 
 
Where Do We Go From Here?
 
Words matter more so now than ever. So join me in a Pledge to FEEL First and a commitment to share communication that helps your neighbors, family, friends and colleagues and takes your communication to a new level so you can make a difference. You can download the the FEEL First Pledge below.
 
Click image to download the FEEL First Pledge.
Click image to download the FEEL First Pledge.
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Giving, FEELing & Communicating in Uncertain Times

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As more news and information is shared about the Coronavirus pandemic, the public is bombarded with messages and the volume of noise increases. Yes, these are uncertain times and communication can either help or it can be confusing. You have to choose wisely how you communicate and interact with the people and the communities around you.

At the same time, the way you’ve operated and shared information in the past, whether it was a month ago or even last week, will be different than how you’ll approach your communications today. In the spirit of helping, giving and FEELing for others, I’ve decided to do something a little different myself.

I’m launching what I call a “555” Series to offer complimentary FEEL consulting to 5 businesses, uplift 5 giving professionals by sharing their resources and provide 5 tips for communicating during times that require leadership focused on Emotional Intelligence (EI). I’ve mentioned in my video that the first 5 businesses or professionals who contact me via email (deirdre@pureperformancecomm.com), will receive a complimentary consulting session to assess how much they FEEL First in their communication with important constituents.

You can check out my video for the full 555 on helping businesses, amplifying the voices of colleagues with giving resources and to learn some simple tips to communicate wearing your EI hat.

Here’s to giving, helping and feeling more. We’re in this together. Stay healthy and be well, my friends.

Featured Image Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

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Three Tips for Communicating in Uncertain Times

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We are in uncertain times. Your customers, employees, partners, the media and other important constituents are looking to you for helpful information. Unfortunately, a lot of the communication shared in uncertain times ends up confusing and frustrating these groups even more.  

As we witness the stock market lows, travel bans, event cancellations and more businesses asking employees to work from home, here are three tips to help guide your communication.

Tip #1: Stick with what you know — be direct and don’t share hunches and guestimates.

Tip #2: Show up with your Emotional Intelligence (EI) so you can respond thoughtfully and not react to challenging communication.

Tip #3: Appreciate the feedback you receive — it’s a gift — even the negative feedback helps you to learn and grow.

Here’s my video discussing these tips in more detail and how they can help you.

It’s time to FEEL First in your communication. I’ve been working on my passion project, the FEEL Model, gathering research about the type of communication that builds relationships and creates stronger bonds. In uncertain times, FEEL (facing Fears, engaging with Empathy, Using Ethics and unleashing Love) can make a difference. As the Coronavirus spreads and new cases are reported in the U.S. and globally, effective, meaningful and valuable communication requires a FEEL First approach.

Check out the tips and please share yours too. Together, we can lead with compassion and understanding, and offer helpful and accurate information to the people who matter the most to us professionally and personally in our lives.

Featured Image Photo Credit: Green Chameleon on Unsplash

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Start 2020 with an Action Plan: Begin with FEEL for Real Relationships

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Happy 2020, friends! Here’s to a year that’s filled with happiness, good health, and prosperity.

When I look back at 2019, I realize it was an intense year for so many reasons. Every week was one of reflection and new insights with a 52+ week millennial research project.

Today, as a result of this reflection and realizing my research had uncovered a new Mode of Operation or communication model, I’m focusing on a FEEL roadmap in 2020; adding FEEL to all of my communications. At the same time, I’ll be helping other professionals understand why strategic communications can only get you so far in your connections and relationship building. FEEL is the stepping stone to real relationships personally and professionally. How much do you use FEEL in your communication through all of your channels? Now you can find out with the FEEL First Test.

I decided to evaluate myself and my ability to FEEL, by taking the online FEEL First test, which came together as a result of the deep conversations with millennials in 2019.

I was surprised, not so surprised, to learn that I still have some FEEL work to do in the areas of facing Fears, engaging with Empathy, etc. In 2020, I’m on my way to FEEL Mastery, which is the highest range of scores you can achieve. The FEEL First Test not only evaluates your ability to FEEL, in every area of the model, and in different settings, but it also recommends exercises to increase your level of FEEL.

And, so my roadmap begins and yours can too.

A huge thank you to all of those millennials who took the time to interview with me, and who wanted to share the value of communication, what it means to have trust in a real relationship and what they expect from the important people in their lives. You have helped me to get through a difficult time and to turn loss and sadness into purpose and focus.

Here’s my video discussing where my roadmap begins and how professionals and companies would solve a lot of their issues and communication challenges with the FEEL model.

Featured Image Photo Credit: Amit Jain at Unsplash

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FEEL First Test Launches to Evaluate Levels of Fear, Empathy, Ethics & Love in Communication

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It’s official … the FEEL First Test is online and ready for you to evaluate how much you FEEL (face Fears, engage with Empathy, use Ethics and good judgment and unleash your Love) in your communication.

I’ve been asked, “Why the launch of the FEEL Model and the FEEL First Test and what will you learn from the data?” The answer is simple … to help business professionals understand the major components that build trust in communication and to move from connections and simple transactions to genuine and meaningful relationships. The data we collect from the survey participants will give us an indication of FEEL by age, generation, and profession.

Our Bright Shining Star, Noelle Skrobola, the Millennial behind the FEEL First Passion Project

This test came from a year’s worth of research with millennials. After about 52 weeks and 55+ formal and informal one-on-one interviews, the millennials who participated in my passion project answered pointed questions about their communication; how they wanted to show up, be perceived and what they expected and preferred via different channels from the people around them, especially the Leaders* in their lives.

The FEEL Test scores you on each part of FEEL and lets you know how much you FEEL in your communication (from beginner to FEEL Mastery). From my work and what I’ve uncovered from this passion project is, if you don’t FEEL first, then how do you tap into how someone else feels to build an unbreakable bond?

Along with social media intelligence gathering and analyzing conversations, the FEEL model is an approach that applies all parts of FEEL across communication channels to build genuine and meaningful relationships.

Take a look at the video which offers more details and please take the FEEL First Test. We’ll be gathering and sharing data in this ongoing project that launched after my Millennial stepdaughter, Noelle, passed away last September. It was Noelle who put me on the road to FEEL. I want to share what I’ve learned with you so you can FEEL First to improve your relationships moving forward.


*Leaders were defined as supervisors, managers and/or executives at their companies, business leaders at their favorite brands or brands they followed, and political and religious leaders. 

Featured Image Photo Credit: Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

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Good News for Leaders, Here’s What #Millennials Like About You

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Last September, the World Economic Forum published an article discussing what Millennials really want from businesses. What stood out immediately from the article appeared in the first sentence. “The global business community is being challenged by Millennials who want to change the world — and the results are going to be incredible.”

The article went on to discuss how Millennials want to create change and value takes priority. Financial performance should not be the only measure of success. They are focused on and want to see social change. The organizations that live by their values and bring them to life are the companies that will get Millennial attention, the benefits of their purchasing power, and their employment. As a result, businesses are actively working on becoming more socially conscious by placing organizational purpose over corporate mission and profits.

Although I’ve shared some of the ways leaders are disappointing Millennials in previous posts, here’s the good news … you’re getting a few things right in your communication and it’s appreciated. It’s not all bad for business leaders and brands that want to reach Millennials through their marketing channels or want to recruit and retain them in their companies.

From my research, there are several ways that leaders score positive points and can make a difference. Here’s what Millennials said when I asked, “Please fill in the blank. I LIKE a leader who …”

  • Speaks up more and shows a lot of corporate activism. Brands are more than their products and services today.
  • Interacts frequently with followers. The screen doesn’t exist and you can have a conversation.
  • Convey thoughts properly and effectively.
  • Takes the time to communicate through videos.
  • Shares direct and straightforward messages.
  • Communicates in earnest and follows up with action.
  • Leads with integrity and leads by example.
  • Inspires an audience and listens carefully to their thoughts and concerns and fuel the passion further.
  • Is vulnerable and authentic.
  • Shares some personal experience and knowledge; a leader who is compassionate and interested.
  • Basically enjoys helping others to become leaders.

By way of background, I started my research journey to really understand how Millennials show up to their conversations and how they want to be perceived. What surfaced quickly in my one-on-one interviews was what they expected from the leaders in their lives (bosses or managers at their companies, business professionals representing the brands they love and even their religious and political figures too) whether they’ve expressed this publicly or not.

After experiencing personal family trauma, I wanted to also learn why communication doesn’t always show how people feel when they share on social media or during their in-person interactions. That’s why it’s so important to show up to your conversations with a FEEL First approach.

Because, when you FEEL before you communicate, you:

Face Your Fears by you’re stepping out of your comfort zone and allowing yourself to be more open to the ideas, feedback, and information that challenges the way that you are programmed to think.

Engage with Empathy by actively listening and you’re able to put your own agenda aside. Taking the time to understand the details of someone’s situation is the first step toward compassion and walking in someone else’s shoes.

Use Ethics and your good judgment by exercising your values and beliefs with every interaction and being true to yourself through your communication.

Unleash the Love of your work, ideas, cause, etc. (you fill in the blank) with contagious passion and the kind of energy that makes people want to not only be around you but also to support your cause and collaborate with you.

If you’re a leader and you FEEL you’re not connecting and advancing your relationships or exciting the people around you (not just Millennials but anyone), then here’s are a few ways to address the “F” in the FEEL model that might help. Embracing open conversations, differing opinions and being open to change means stepping out of your comfort. When you’re more aware of how you show up to your conversations, and when you have an open and inviting approach, different actions will result, from the people around you.

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